Marriage week: "falling" in (and out of) love

There are some of you out there (probably the hopeless romantics) that will be bothered or offended by that title. But let me explain: in a talk by Elder Lynn G. Robbins entitled "Agency and Love in Marriage" he says this, "Somewhere in the history of the English language the expression 'fall in love' began to be used to describe the sublime experience of finding someone to love. While it was a beautiful idiom, there was inherent risk involved in selecting the word fall because it mostly means accidental, involuntary, with no choice involved. And subtly, it has also led to the use of its distressing corollary, 'We fell out of love,' an all-too-common phrase heard nowadays as an excuse for a failed marriage...[these phrases] sound as if love were something that cannot be controlled."

This is what the world believes about love and marriage. And this is what you will believe if you pay any attention to the books, movies, and songs out there. That it "is a condition, a feeling that involves 100% of the heart, something that happens to you. They disassociate love from the mind and, therefore, from agency." Elder Robbins goes on to talk about how it is practically humorous to observe young couples that are dating because they can't stand to be away from each other. He calls this stage 'infatuation.' Then these couples marry, and they discover some idiosyncrasies about one another that they hadn't previously noticed. Often times, these become irritating.

"Those who have confused infatuation for love begin to worry and wonder if they are falling out of love. 'Where is that level of passion, the fire I had during courtship?' They may ask themselves. Their relationship is passing through a common stage and is at an important crossroad. If they believe they have fallen out of love, they may begin to drift apart."

I have never heard a better description of what happens as a newlywed. Not that everyone confuses infatution for love, but there is always an adjustment that comes with marriage when real life hits. For some people it happens sooner or later than for others, but I believe this crossroad is reached in every marriage. For many, they choose to get divorced, remarry the next person they become infatuated with, and that marriage is just as short lived as the last.

When I was a teenager, I used to worry that I would be one of the 50% of people that get divorced. I have since realized that I won't because it is a conscious decision. I understand that it takes two to make a marriage work, and that not everyone is willing to make that conscious decision to love, but I'm very thankful that my husband is. I just wish that more people could realize this, and that is why I decided to do marriage week.

Now I'm going to do something that is almost never done in the perfect alternate reality that we create for ourselves on the internet, something that is going to open me up to judgement by others. I am going to tell you that my marriage isn't perfect (gasp!), my husband and I don't always get along (double gasp!), and I actually had a pretty hard time adjusting when we first got married and we have had some bumps in the road since (you've all fallen over dead at this point haven't you?).

However, each time Ben and I came to the crossroads mentioned above, we decided to persevere, to trust in our original confirmations that we were supposed to marry each other (more about that later in the week), and to try harder at our marriage. It is after overcoming these challenges that our love for one another really blossoms. It's not easy, and it won't ever be easy, but I know that as we continue to make the consious choice and effort to love each other, and as we support one another and overcome trials, our relationship will grow stronger. We may not get butterflies everytime we see or hear each other, but our love extends beyond that now. I often get teary eyed when I think of how much I love Ben how much he does for our little family and our future. It is a different love than at the beginning of our marriage, it has grown and changed so much, it is a love of companionship, a love that has learned lessons (sometimes the hard way), and a love that is consciously and intentionally committed.

To end, I wanted to share a short story that really sums up how I feel. A couple of years ago, my friend was walking with a guy when they saw an old couple sitting on a bench. The old couple was being very cute with one another and you could just tell that their love had endured many years and overcome many trials. She said to her friend, "You see, I'm just worried I will never find a love like that." Her friend looked at the old couple for a few seconds then replied, "You don't find love like that, you develop love like that."

It is so true.

Coming up tomorrow: The right person