I just need to cry to you

My niece is dying.

And I don't know how to deal with it.

I haven't really dealt with death before.

She's so young.

I got a text from my mom while I was in church today saying I needed to call my sister Vickie.  I knew what Vickie would say when I called her. 

Brittanie (my niece)  had been in serious uncontrollable pain for awhile and finally they took her into Huntsman to run some more tests.  As a family we had been waiting to hear what the results were and we held a fast for her. I didn't eat from 2 o clock yesterday afternoon until church got out today at noon. Even then I just had a banana and a granola bar. After that I called to hear the news and now I don't feel like eating anymore.   

She's been sick with cancer for almost six months now.  The chemo has ravaged her body.  She is a tall girl standing at 6'1" and skinny to begin with...But not as skinny as she is now. She only weighs 104 pounds.

Like I said, I knew what Vickie would say when I called her and I didn't want to hear it...So as the phone rang I prayed she wouldn't answer. But she did. And she told me that Brittanie only has a few weeks to live.  The cancer started in her ovaries and spread to her lungs, brain, bones, kidney, and liver.  The doctors said that even if they pumped her full of all the chemo and radiation that they could get their hands on she would still be gone in six months.

As I sat on my couch talking to my sister, the conversation pretty much consisted of crying and "I love you" over and over.

I sobbed...

She sobbed...

She expressed how she wished she could be there to comfort me, to put her arms around me, and she kept apologizing. Why was she the one apologizing? She is the one who is losing her child. I should be apologizing. I should be in a car driving up there right now.

She begged me to pray that Heavenly Father would take Brittanie as soon as possible, so she wouldn't have to suffer anymore.  She told me of how it will be a blessing that she'll be gone because her frail body can't take it anymore.

I don't know if I can do that. I know that its true that Brittanie is suffering.  But I just don't think I am strong enough to pray for her death. 

I wish I could go up north and be with my family right now. I wish I could just take the week off of school. But I can't. Life has to go on. I have two midterms tomorrow and teachers don't stand for excuses on midterms. 

I can't help but think of the void that will be at every family party from now on.  Knowing that there used to be one more person there, but who will be with us no longer.

I can't help but think of going to disneyland with their family every year from the time I was 2 til I was 8.  We had so much fun. It's what inspired Brittanie to do what she did, which was work at disneyworld in Florida.

I can't help but think of Brittanie's dad.  He had been determined to be a professional and not have kids until he met my sister Vickie.  She finally convinced him to have kids and I have never seen a man so in love with his girls as he is.  They are his world. I wonder how he is dealing with it. Is his world about to come crashing down?

I can't help but think of Brittanie's younger sister Madison.  They are just about the same distance in age as Bonnie and I.  I can't imagine losing Bonnie.  I don't know how she is going to cope.  No one will ever be able to take Brittanie's place as her sister. My heart just breaks for her.

I can't help but think of my sister Vickie.  She has been so strong and brave throughout this whole thing.  I hadn't seen or heard her cry once during this whole ordeal until today.  How does she do it? How do you ever get over the loss of your child? I imagine that their family has a difficult road ahead.  I hope they feel comfort. 

And of course I can't help but think of Brittanie. She knows that in a few weeks, she'll be moving on to something that no one in this world has experienced. No one can tell her what its like or what to expect. What a strange feeling that must be.  I hope she's not scared.  I hope it brings her comfort. I hope she's come to terms with it. 

I can't decide if it's better to know in advance that she is going to die or not.  Maybe it just allows you to start your mourning process earlier.  But how would you like it if you were still around and people were already mourning your death.  But maybe it is like a sick joke in the way that you cry and cry but still secretly hope that some miracle will happen and she'll be back to normal. Whereas if she dies you can just let go and start to heal.

I definitely feel like there will be a dark cloud of dread over me until she dies. And then a dark cloud of sadness for several weeks thereafter. 

I know its supposed to be easier for people with the gospel to cope with death, but so far its been really hard for me.  It's like I do know that I'll see her again and that she'll be better off where she's going and that does bring me some comfort.  But it doesn't really make any less hard at the moment. 

I'll admit I didn't have this hard of a time when my grandpa died. But maybe thats because he was old and lived a full life and had Alzheimer's so we knew it was his time.  But Brittanie is so young with so much potential.

I just pray that something good will come of this. That we will all be strengthened as a family as well as in the gospel.

Geez I need to stop crying before I have to go to the hospital for dehydration.  I haven't had liquid in 24 hours and now I'm crying away all the liquid I do have. 

That's all for now. Thanks for listening.

Love Love Love